Waking Up Thirty.

30“My value doesn’t decrease with my age. Quite the opposite, really. I’ve never been better than I am right now. Or more comfortable in my own skin or more trusting of the path I’m on”

Last night I went to sleep 29 and today I woke up 30.

It feels like it took a long time to get here but I feel equally taken by surprise because it always seemed so far away.

30 doesn’t look like what I always thought it would, but that’s kind of exciting, because I can make it whatever I want.

30 just seems more solid. More confident. Wiser. It doesn’t scare me, it holds a lot of promise.

The thing I like about getting older is that I know myself so much better, and that makes life much easier, don’t you think? Things just become simpler.

I don’t wear the shoes that are uncomfortable just because they look good. I know what brand of bras fit me best. I know I’ll never be a runner.  I’ve made peace with the fact that I cannot wear jeans and that cheap chocolate just isn’t worth it. I don’t say no to dancing just because people are watching. I don’t order the fucking salad when I’m out for a meal and I pick clothes for how that make me feel, not how they make me look.

I think I’ve been waiting for 30 to be able to let go of a lot of the expectations I had of myself –  this is my new chapter.

I’m not striving for that “ideal” body anymore – my ideal body is the one I have. It is absolutely perfect for my purpose in life and it has served me so well. It took 30 years for me to look just like this. Why did I ever think my worth was dependent on my appearance? Why did I ever worry about ageing? Why did I hide my thighs on the beach or worry about those creases on my forehead.

My value doesn’t decrease with my age. Quite the opposite, really. I’ve never been better than I am right now. Or more comfortable in my own skin or more trusting of the path I’m on.

 I’m catching up to the dreams I’ve been chasing

I feel like this is my time to start climbing my mountain. Im forgiving all my past experiences and bad choices. I feel this is my time to start making those marks  and doing a lot of those things I always wanted to because I’m no longer held back by self doubt and insecurity. I don’t have the energy for that anymore, it is far less exhausting just to get shit done than to wallow in self loathing.

I’ve spent a lot of years not really liking myself because maybe other people didn’t like me, and I’ve decided now is the time to give that shit up. Now is the time to let that go.

I’ve got this man by my side who makes anything possible and these kids that make me want to be my best.

Ive learnt to prioritise what makes me happy  and not what I just feel obligated to. Ill never work a job again that makes me miserable. I’ll try harder not to give my time or concern to people who don’t deserve it.

I wont tolerate bullshit and assholery.

The older you get, the more you value people and relationships and you don’t tend to pursue things just to be polite – you pursue things that are good for your soul. Making connections is harder but they mean so much more.

This is the first major birthday I’ve had where I know what I’m really about.

When I was 10  – I thought it mattered, what other people thought of me.

When I was 13 – I tried so hard to be someone i wasnt

When I was 16 – I was such a dick. So insecure and oh god just such a dick.

My 20s brought me my children and my husband. I had a lot of fun and I’m grateful for my 20s, but I don’t want to relive them. I’m ready to close that book.

I will never say I wish I was 21 again because 21 year old me was chaotic and unsure and quite scared. She did a lot of what her head told her but her head wasn’t always working in her best interest. She didn’t trust herself enough. Looking back, I feel sorry for her. I gave a lot of myself away in the last 10 years and now I’m working on getting some of those pieces back.

Looking at what I have learnt and experienced in 30 years, I wonder how much that means I can achieve in the years to come when I’m not being plagued by my own indecision.

What am I going to do with this one, wild, cherished life? I’m carrying a lot of hope and I’m making big plans.

So Hello 30, welcome. I’ve been waiting for you. We’re going to do great things together.

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